Sideline Satire

illustration by sidelinesatire.com

Well, the first weekend of the (insert year) NCAA tournament is over, and it might have been the craziest opening weekend since (insert different year), when that scrappy underdog team and that other small school nobody remembers made it to the Sweet Sixteen and/or Elite Eight.

I know everyone is eager for an excuse to talk about the picks in their office pool, so let’s take a look at each of the four tournament regions:

Regional Your Favorite Team Is In

Top performer: Senior leader on your favorite team who scored one point above his average, making him the early frontrunner for tournament MVP. This is why he came back for his senior year. That and the fact he couldn’t get drafted if he got in a time machine and turned the dial to “Vietnam War.”

Biggest dud: Longtime rival of your favorite team, which lost to the No. 1 seed after losing their starting point guard, center and small forward to injury. What a bunch of chumps! (Insert joke denigrating rival team’s coach and/or questioning players’ sexuality here).

Biggest surprise: Small-conference school from the Southwest, led by coach who was fired from big-time East Coast school after getting a DUI. Yes, this lush of a coach is good at what he does, but nobody expected him to get his squad to the Big Dance this soon. What a great story of redemption, until he chokes a player during practice next fall.

Notable: Since the tournament expanded to 64 teams in either the mid-80s or early 90s (you’re pretty sure it’s the 80s), a No. 1 seed has never lost to a No. 16 seed. Also, if a No. 1 seed is leading by less than 15 points with eight minutes to go in the first half, an announcer has never failed to mention a No. 1 seed has never lost to a No. 16 seed and he doesn’t want to get ahead of himself, folks, but obscure No. 16 seed here might make history here today. This storyline is never mentioned again.

illustration by sidelinesatire.com

Regional You Don’t Care About

Top performer: Future huge star in the NBA. You’ll wonder why he never did anything in college. He did, but his school was on the West Coast, which means his games ended way after your bedtime or conflicted with your pornography-watching schedule.

Biggest dud: Really high seed that barely beat much lower seed. Well, yes, a win is a win, but come on. They don’t want it bad enough, even though they were in foul trouble most of the game and will go on to reach the Final Four.

Biggest surprise: Mid-major from Northwest pegged as a Cinderella every year, even though this is their seventh straight tournament appearance. What most surprised people watching the tournament is that this school even had a basketball team.  The self-appointed hoops expert at your office will speculate they played in Division II up until a few years ago, which is why he doesn’t know anything about them. They’ve actually been Division I since 1966, and an NBA Hall of Famer even played his college ball there – perhaps Oscar Robertson or that aged legendary center who died unexpectedly last year. I feel so bad for his family.

Notable: The conference maligned by Dick Vitale all season ended up sending the most teams to the Sweet 16. The same thing happened last season, and the same thing will happen next season. Everyone will forget about this.

illustration by sidelinesatire.com

Totally The Easiest Regional

Top performer: Blue-chip freshman who is here only because the NBA won’t take players straight out of high school. He was at odds with his coach early in the season, even benched for a while, but this weekend he grew up before our very eyes. After the game, the player got choked up as he admitted he finally understood why the coach was so hard on him. He will say the coach is like the father he never had. The player’s absentee father will see the interview on ESPN and try to reconnect with his son by friending him on Facebook. The player will click “Ignore.”

Biggest dud: No. 1 overall team, which cruised to victory against the 16 seed but came out flat in their second game and never recovered. What a great story for the No. 9 seed that scored the upset, especially for the player none of the bigger schools wanted and/or the foreign kid from Europe/Australia who dreamed of this since he was a kid.

Surprise team: The No. 5 seed. Can you believe they lost to the No. 12 seed in the first round? Nobody in your office can believe it, because no one knows it happens almost every year.

Notable: The coach whom announcers praise as “respecting the game” and “coaching the right way” is also the coach who steps on the court during play and acts like the biggest baby when his players are charged with fouls.

illustration by sidelinesatire.com

Totally The Hardest Regional

Top performer: Player who didn’t do much better than anyone else, but the announcers figured a way to insert him into catchphrases that make no sense. (Example: “Michael Hendrix drains a blistering solo from the top of the key! Oh, mercy — the Voodoo Child strikes again!”

Biggest dud: Slacker team everyone expected to turn it up come tournament time. You knew you shouldn’t have picked them to reach the Sweet 16!

Biggest surprise: Slacker team that turned it up come tournament time. You knew you should  have picked them to reach the Sweet 16!

Notable: Did you know it’s physically impossible for sports announcers to avoid saying a player has “really stepped up” when that player is having a good game? Not saying it can actually shorten their lifespan. Los Angeles Dodgers announcer Vin Scully was injured in a fall last week after he failed to use it during a spring-training game.

Next week: A look at the Elite Eight, or, why the guy/girl leading your office NCAA pool is a clueless idiot who is only on top by dumb luck.

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Sideline Satire was fortunate enough to be invited to Tiger Woods’ totally legit and not at all farcical press conference on Friday in Ponte Vedra Beach, Fla. The following is the complete transcript of the press conference, including portions which didn’t make it to the air…

Sideline Satire illustration

TIGER WOODS:  Good morning, and thank you for joining me. Many of you in this room are my friends. Many of you in this room know me. Well, at least you THOUGHT you knew me (polite laughter, applause). Many of you have cheered for me or you’ve worked with me or you’ve supported me.

Now every one of you has good reason to be critical of me,  especially if you’re a cocktail waitress in the Orlando or Las Vegas area.  I want to say to each of you, simply and directly: I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in.

I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish and so foolish, especially all the players at the Match Play tournament whose press coverage I am currently stealing. People want to know how I could have done these things to my wife Elin and to my children. And while I have always tried to be a privates — sorry, private — person, there are some things I want to say.

Elin and I have started the process of discussing the damage caused by my behavior and the golf club that Elin slammed into my face. As Elin pointed out to me while holding a knife to my throat, my real apology to her will not come in the form of words; it will come from not banging cocktail waitresses over time. We have a lot to discuss; however, what we say to each other will remain between the two of us and eventually, TMZ.

I am also aware of the pain my behavior has caused to those of you in this room. I have let you down, and I have let down my fans, with the exception of my polygamist fan base in Utah.  For many of you, especially my friends who feasted on my sloppy seconds, my behavior has been a personal disappointment. To those of you who work for me, I have let you down personally and professionally. My behavior has caused considerable worry to my business partners, especially Accenture, who specifically asked me to not mention them during this conference. Accenture. Accenture. Don’t worry guys, nobody really knows who you are or what you do. You’re like the “Burn Notice” of corporate America.

To everyone involved in my foundation, including my staff, board of directors, sponsors, and most importantly, the young students we reach, our work is more important than ever. Thirteen years ago, my dad and I envisioned helping young people achieve their dreams of sleeping with cocktail waitresses and porn stars through education. This work remains unchanged and will continue to grow, no pun intended. From the Arrogance Learning Center students in Southern California to the Earl Woods Infidelity scholars in Washington, D.C., millions of kids have changed their lives, and I am dedicated to making sure that continues.

But still, I know I have bitterly disappointed all of you. I have made you question who I am and how I could have done the things I did. I am embarrassed that I have put you in this position.

For getting caught, I am so sorry.

I have a lot to atone for, but there is one issue I really want to discuss. Some people have speculated that Elin somehow hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving night. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that, especially when it turned out to be right on the money. Elin never hit me that night or any other night, and if you say a lie long enough, it becomes the truth. There has never been an episode of domestic violence in our marriage, ever, that wasn’t my fault. Elin has shown enormous grace, poise, a textbook golf swing and surprising physical strength throughout this ordeal. Elin deserves praise, not blame.

The issue involved here was my repeated irresponsible behavior. I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated. I did a terrible job of covering my tracks. Getting caught is not acceptable, and I am the only person to blame.

I stopped living by the core values that I was taught to believe in — act like a complete tool but intimidate the cowardly golf media into not reporting this fact.  I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn’t apply, because golf is not at all about following rules. I never thought about who I was hurting, except for that one night with Jamie Jungers when I played the back nine. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran straight through the boundaries that more than 50 percent of married couples don’t live by. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to, and man, was I right. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled. Thanks to money and fame, I didn’t have to go far to find them. Thanks to the media, all that has been taken away.

I was wrong. I was foolish. I don’t get to play by different rules. These are all statements my publicist told me to say and which I hope one day I might actually believe. The same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me (pause to suppress laughter). I brought this shame on myself. I hurt my wife, my kids, my mother, my Sharona, my wife’s family, my friends, my foundation, and kids all around the world who admired me.

I’ve had a lot of time to think about what I’ve done, because there’s not much to do when you cannot pick up chicks. My failures have made me pretend to look at myself in a way I never wanted to before. It’s now up to me to make amends, and that starts by never again getting caught for the “mistakes” I’ve made. It’s up to me to start acting out a life of integrity.

I once heard, and I believe it’s true, it’s not what you achieve in life that matters; it’s what you overcome. Achievements on the golf course the most important part. If this scandal came to light during the season, I could have played my way out of it, like Kobe did with the whole rape thing. Character and decency are what really count, character being golf trophies and decency being lots and lots of sponsor money. I’m looking at you, Accenture.

Parents used to point to me as a role model for their kids. Now only the fathers do, along with a stern warning to “not tell your mother.” I owe all those families a special apology. I want to say to them that I am truly sorry.

It’s hard to admit that I need help, but I do. For 45 days from the end of December to early February, I was in inpatient therapy receiving guidance for the issues I’m facing, the specifics of which nobody seems to know. Sex addiction? Ambien? Hey, your guess is as good as mine.  I have a long way to go. But I’ve pretended to take the first steps in the right direction.

As I proceed, I understand people have questions. I understand the press wants to ask me for the details and the times I was unfaithful. I understand people want to know whether Elin and I will remain together. Please know that as far as I’m concerned, every one of these questions and answers is a matter between Elin and me and TMZ. These are issues between a husband and a wife and a whole lot of women a wife will not find out about ever again.

Some people, like me, have made up things that never happened. They said I used performance-enhancing drugs, which nobody really said but which I am mentioning now to distract from the real issue. This is completely and utterly false. Some have written things about my family. Despite the damage I have done, I still believe it is right to shield my family from the public spotlight. They did not do these things; I did.

I have always tried to maintain a private space for my wife and children and my mistresses. They have been kept separate from my sponsors, my commercial endorsements. When my children were born, we only released photographs so that the paparazzi could not chase them, because small infants are unable to run.  However, my behavior doesn’t make it right for the media to follow my two and a half year old daughter to school and report the school’s location. They staked out my wife and they pursued my mom. Whatever my wrongdoings, for the sake of my family, please leave my wife and kids alone. Or they will take it out on me.

I recognize I have to say I brought this on myself, and I know above all I am the one who needs to change, which, again, my publicist told me to say.  I owe it to my family to become a better person. I owe it to those closest to me to become a better man. That’s where my focus will be, along with winning tournaments and reverting to my normal behavior.

I have a lot of covering up to do, and I intend to dedicate myself to doing it. Part of following this path for me is Buddhism, which my mother taught me at a young age. People probably don’t realize it, but I was raised a Buddhist, and I actively practiced my faith from childhood until I drifted away from it because cocktail waitresses don’t really care about dharma and noble truths. Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security, although Buddha seemed to crave food quite a bit, am I right? It teaches me to stop following every impulse and to learn restraint. Obviously I lost track of what I was taught. In the future, I will have my wingman do this.

As I move forward, I will continue to receive help because I’ve learned that’s how you get people to forgive you. Starting tomorrow, I will leave for more treatment and more therapy for … again, I have no idea. I would like to thank my friends at Accenture and the players in the field this week for understanding why I’m making these remarks today. It’s to screw you and to remind everyone that the PGA without Tiger Woods is a boring as wearing a condom while having sex with a cocktail waitress.

In therapy I’ve learned the importance of telling the public I’m looking at my spiritual life and keeping in balance with my professional life. I need to regain my balance and be centered so I can save the things that are most important to me, my marriage, my children and my numerous interludes of anonymous, unprotected sex with borderline and full-blown skank factories.

That also means relying on others for help. I’ve learned to seek support from my peers in therapy, some of whom are totally doable. I hope someday to return that support to others who are seeking help, wink, wink. I do plan to return to golf one day, I just don’t know when that day will be.

I don’t rule out that it will be this year. It all depends on when people stop hating me and start sympathizing with me. When I do return, I need to make my behavior more respectful of the game, which only exists for my benefit.  In recent weeks I have received many thousands of emails, letters and phone calls from people expressing good wishes. To everyone who has reached out to me and my family, especially Ernie Els and Jesper Parnevik, thank you. Your encouragement means the world to Elin and me.

I want to thank the PGA TOUR, Commissioner Finchem, and the players for their patience and understanding while I work on my privates — sorry, I did it again — life. I look forward to seeing my fellow players on the course, where I will exact a terrible revenge.

Finally, there are many people in this room, and there are many people at home who believed in me. Today I want to ask for your help. I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in me again, to be as gullible now as you were then.

Thank you. Now I am going to hug this tiny Asian woman in the front row. She is my mother.

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Official basketball of the AABA.

Here’s an inarguable fact of journalism: If the first five words of the headline are “Basketball League for White Americans…” you know you are in for a good time. Such is the case with a story that ran Tuesday in the Augusta Chronicle, about the All-American Basketball Alliance. The KKK AABA press release said it’s aiming to tip off in June with teams in 12 cities, including Augusta, which might have something to say about that. “Only players that are natural born United States citizens with both parents of Caucasian race are eligible to play in the league,” the release said. So, is that racist? In my totally unbiased opinion (full disclosure: I am not white), duh.

Skins game

“I don’t hate anyone of color,” said AABA commissioner and bad liar Don “Moose” Lewis (note: “Moose” stands for “Move On, One-time Slaves, Etc.”).  “But people of white, American-born citizens are in the minority now. Here’s a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like.” First of all, this is racist against white people. If white people loved fundamental basketball, the WNBA would get higher ratings than “Jersey Shore.” Although, how awesome would it be if an all-white basketball league got higher ratings than the WNBA? Lewis also paints white players as plodding, slow-witted sheep, a species all but extinct in the NBA (see: Kevin McHaleasaurus, Gregurus Ostertagatops). Get with the times, Moose. Today’s NBA white guy is a study in diversity, ranging from tattooed wild men (see: Chris Andersen) to middle-aged Canadian lesbians (see: Steve Nash

).

Oh please

Lewis, whose not-at-all-racist league sent out its release the day before Martin Luther King Day,  goes on to say that “people of color” play “street-ball” and insinuates an all-white league would be more civilized. “Would you want to go to the game and worry about a player flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch?” he asked. “That’s the culture today, and in a free country we should have the right to move ourselves in a better direction.” Moose actually makes a good point here, if the point he’s trying to make is that he’s an idiot. Players are way more likely to see someone in the crowd grab their crotch — and I’m not even including the team dancers.  And if you don’t want to be attacked by players, stick to basic rules of conduct, like not throwing beers at Ron Artest or insulting Glen “Big Fat Baby” Davis until he cries. We do have the right to move ourselves in a better direction. The AABA is not that direction. I hope you see that one day … brother. Just kidding; I hope you fail miserably.

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