Sideline Satire

Thanks to all of you who sent get-well wishes these past few months. If you hadn’t heard, I said I would eat a Lomas Brown jersey if the Lions went 0-16. It turns out ingesting polyester is really bad for your central nervous system. Anyway, I regained consciousness just in time for the 2009 season. Yup, we can all put the memory of those terrible Lions behind us. It’s a brand-new season.

Wait … what’s that? It’s WEEK SIX!?! How are the Lions doing? Sigh…

Best cheap shot

UPDATE: The video was pulled. Try this new link.

Dante Wesley of the Carolina Panthers wins this dubious honor, for laying out Clifton Smith of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers … after Smith had signaled for a fair catch. Hurry up and watch the video above before the NFL pulls it.

Ouch of the week (besides Clifton Smith)

The Seattle Seahawks, well on their way to another injury-derailed year, lost middle linebacker Lofa Tatupu for the season with a torn left pectoral muscle.

“The Lofa thing is tough,” Seahawks coach Jim Mora told the Associated Press. “It’s a blow to our team. It’s a blow to him as a man.”

As a man? Hmm. Patrick Kerney might beg to differ, in a high-pitched voice. Kerney aggravated a groin injury Sunday.

Injury, meet insult

On a side note, the Seahawks were destroyed by Arizona, 27-3, a nice confidence-booster for the Cardinals as they look to next week’s game against the Giants.

Maybe it was too much of a confidence-booster. Defensive tackle Darnell Dockett told AP:  “We better start focusing on New York. I honestly feel they are a much better team — no disrespect to Seattle.”

I’m sure the Seahawks weren’t offended at all, Darnell. It’s not like you beat the bejeezus out of a team, then said they were really terrible. Oh wait — you totally did say that. You probably didn’t realize that, since you’re an idiot.

No disrespect.

Quiz time!

Our celebrity contestant this week is none other than Jets rookie QB Mark Sanchez. This wonder kid continues his rapid plummet back to earth after a too-good-to-be-true start. Are you ready, Mark? Here we go:

Your team lost 16-13 in overtime to the god-awful Buffalo Bills. After a 3-0 start, the Jets are 3-3. Reporters ask for a comment. Did you say:

a) “This one is on me guys. I really stunk up the joint today.”
b) “We just couldn’t get anything going. We just have to forget about it and move on.”
c) “Of the six games, three losses, two of them I felt like you can blame No. 6 on offense.”

I see you’re having trouble Mark. Audience, should we give him a hint? (audience cheers). OK here it is, Mark: You wear No. 6. So, if you pick c, that means you denied most of the responsibility while talking about yourself in the third person, which makes you look like a bit of an ass.

You’re leaning toward answer c? Let me remind you, Mark, the Bills made five interceptions against you in the game. Yes, really. You actually said c. Wow.

I’m sorry, that was the wrong answer. As a consolation prize, you will continue to make millions and millions of dollars.

Sad-sack stat

The Washington Redskins, pegged by some clueless commentators to be playoff contenders, have opened the season with six straight games against winless teams. The Redskins have two victories to show for it. No, they could not even beat the Lions.

After their latest loss Sunday, this time to the Kansas City Chiefs, Redskins officials informed coach Jim Zorn he will no longer call plays for the offense. At this point, shouldn’t they just fire him? HIS ENTIRE JOB is to tell players what to do. Except now it isn’t.

Expect Zorn to be fired in the coming weeks. And for God’s sake, nobody tell William Clay Ford Sr.

Play like a pigeon today

And finally, for no reason at all, a really sweet video of a pigeon playing for the Raiders. There’s no double meaning in this, really.

It’s good to be back.