Sideline Satire

Boing Boing via Shelley Rickey.

Jayson Williams is best known as the former New Jersey Nets star who accidentally shot a limo driver to death, then tried to say the guy committed suicide. Williams was arrested for DUI early Tuesday morning, and proved he learned his lesson by saying somebody else was driving. This video says otherwise (you’ll want the sound up for this one):

OK, so the video hasn’t been released yet. But I had to find a way to post that clip. Mission accomplished.

This is the funniest clip I’ve seen in a long time. Check out Florida State lineman Zebrie Sanders in a recent game against Florida. I know coaches hate false-start penalties, but come on…

Thanks to Patrick Gosales, via the Dr. Saturday blog.

First off, I don’t know if the video below is of the killer bear in question, but the incident involves a Russian troupe, so I’m guessing this is probably him. Go to 1:07 in the video to be impressed:

According to the Associated Press, the bear turned on his trainers during practice for a show in  Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan. Unfortunately, the bear only completed a double turn instead of the planned triple turn, which cost him points with the judges. One trainer was killed and the other seriously wounded before police showed up and shot the bear dead.

So, to sum up: A bear was taken out of its natural environment, taught to stand upright and skate even though it had evolved to travel on ice just fine, and when he did a very bearlike thing and attacked his tormentors/trainers, he was shot dead for being an out-of-control animal. The system works.

I’ll leave you with comedian Robert Schimmel‘s explanation of bear training (SFW with headphones; go to the 5:04 mark):

This one comes courtesy of a FOXsports.com photo gallery. Its argument: Esther Rolle, who played Florida Evans in the 1970s sitcom “Good Times,” is a dead ringer for Red Sox slugger David Ortiz. It’s a pretty strong argument, since Rolle is in fact dead. And if you don’t know who Rolle is, get off this blog right now.

Note: This item originally ran on detnews.com, The Detroit News’ Web site.

In a move sure to accomplish nothing, marijuana groups are calling for a boycott of Kellogg’s products after the Battle Creek-based breakfast baron dropped Michael Phelps for being pictured smoking pot. This isn’t as big of a deal as you might think; Phelps’ endorsement deal was set to expire at the end of the month anyway.

We know what you’re thinking: Phelps should endorse Twinkies instead. But check out our idea below. Sometimes, it’s better to think inside a different box rather than outside of an old one. If that previous sentence didn’t make sense to you, you’re obviously not someone Michael Phelps would hang out with:

Think about it, Phelps.

Note: This item originally ran on detnews.com, The Detroit News’ Web site.

This editorial cartoon, which ran in the New York Post on Jan. 28, is creating a lot of buzz:

If you haven’t seen Jessica Simpson lately, or know who she is (she’s a singer who’s dating Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo; if you didn’t know that, I admire you), she’s packed on a few pounds. In turn, a lot of bloggers and media types have piled her with snarky comments about her weight.

Now others are coming to Simpson’s defense, including her sister, Ashlee. Little sis, in particular, says the criticism is an example of how young women are pressured to look perfect.

The only thing I care about when I see (or write) stuff like this is, is it funny? And this cartoon is hilarious.

Yes, it’s cruel. Yes, it adds to the myriad of images that convince girls being themselves means being ugly. But Jessica and Ashlee are part of that myriad.

Did Ashlee get a nosejob? Yes. Did Jessica brag about how thin she got for the “Dukes of Hazzard” movie and put out a video in which she washes the General Lee in a skimpy bikini? Yes. So when they complain now, it rings a little hollow.

Jessica can’t have it her way all the time. Unless she’s at Burger King. And, judging from the photos that generated all this controversy, she’s there a lot.

Note: This item originally ran on detnews.com, The Detroit News’ Web site.

The Lions have discussed changing their logo, which inspired The News to hold a design contest. Here are what would have been my entries (as an employee I can’t enter):

Entry #1: “Lions: We’ve got it covered”

Why should Lions fans be forced to wear paper bags over their heads? Have the mascot do it instead.

Entry #2: “Lions: Don’t get too attached”

All things must pass — unless you’re a Lions quarterback. So why not a logo that predicts the outcome of 90-plus percent of your games?

Entry #3: “Lions: NFL doormats since before you were born”

Simplicity and utility. Enough said.

Entry #4: Lions: Simply cowardly

Officially endorsed by Glinda, the good witch of the NFC North

Note: This item originally ran on detnews.com, The Detroit News’ Web site.

Former Dallas wide receiver Michael Irvin has come up with a new reality show, in which pro football wannabes will compete for a spot on the Cowboys’ training-camp roster.

Irvin wanted to immerse contestants in the NFL life, but producers wouldn’t allow him to stock the players’ hotel rooms with cocaine and “self-employed models.”

Note: This item originally ran on detnews.com, The Detroit News’ Web site.