Sideline Satire

Sideline Satire 2009 070109 –

The sad, tragic life of Yao Ming’s left foot

Just got back from a vacation hiking the Appalachian Trail, by which I mean flying to Argentina, and I was saddened to hear about the
tremendous loss suffered in the entertainment world.

I, of course, am referring to Yao Ming’s left foot.

The superstar foot of the star center of the Houston Rockets broke again during the playoffs. It hasn’t responded to treatment. Its career might be dead.

What infuriates me is the media’s hypocritical coverage of Yao’s foot.

Footloose ascent

Born in the Garyindiana neighborhood of Shanghai, China, Yao’s humble beginnings instilled a strong work ethic in his left foot from a young age. Most of its childhood was spent touring the country as the Yao Ming Five; the group dissolved after the pinkie toe left to pursue a
solo career.

Then in 2002, Yao’s left foot burst onto the world scene, and the media couldn’t get enough. They raved about its electrifying pivots, how it lifted Yao into another orbit on slam dunks. Shoe companies fought to sign the foot to a shoe deal, leading to the infamous 2004 Reebok commercial in which the left foot’s shoelaces caught fire during filming.

Stumbling downward

As the seasons passed, the surgeries stacked up. The foot took on a strange appearance and began wearing bizarre socks all the time. There was the trip to rehab for Icy Hot addiction, the sleepovers with Webster and Macaulay Culkin. The whispers began.

The media turned vicious, nicknaming Yao’s foot “Wacko Walko.” Paparazzi made it impossible to visit the local Foot Locker. Then came allegations (unproven) of footsie with minors at its palatial ottoman outside Los Angeles.

Yao’s left foot became a punch line.

And now, when that same foot’s days appear numbered, these same media phonies are praising it on TV, talking about what a tragedy this is, referring to its legacy. They offer fake condolences to the Rockets, who reached the dizzying heights of the second round of the NBA playoffs when Yao’s foot was healthy.

The media lay the blame at the feet of the foot’s hangers-on — the shady bunion doctors, the synthetic-fiber socks that slowly wicked away all the moisture and left Yao’s foot high and dry.

But the media are just as guilty. So are we all.

Requiem for a foot

Yao’s left foot wanted love and acceptance. But happiness and greatness rarely occupy the same shoebox.

Poor foot. You seemed off the wall at first — that’s how revolutionary you were. At your best, you thrilled us. Even your bad was better than your contemporaries’ best — dangerously so.

That’s why I choose to look back on your history and remember the good times. In the end, you were not invincible. You didn’t have to be.

Footrest in peace.

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The NHL and NBA seasons are over, which means we can turn our full attention to America’s favorite pastime — the Brett Favre Retirement Status Watch.

The latest rumor comes from the blog ProFootballTalk.com. It normally wouldn’t attract much attention, but NBC Sports recently purchased PFT, and because NBC is so well known, this somehow makes the blog more credible. Call it Yoko Ono Syndrome.

PFT says Favre already has signed with the Minnesota Vikings, describing its source as “a military officer currently serving in Afghanistan.” I am not making this up. I wish I had. And they might be.

Some in the media fault the blog for printing a flimsy story. Sorry, but bloggers are not the problem here.

Brett Favre is.

The only reason the story and its ridiculous source got any notice is the ridiculousness Favre puts us through every year.

He has made a second career out of calling it a career.

Years before he left the Packers, he hinted at retirement every summer. Then he actually retired (for good, he said). Then he came out of
retirement. Then the fed-up Packers traded him to the Jets. Then the Jets released him at the end of last season. Then Favre retired again
(for good, he said).

Now he might be back. And it makes me want to scream louder than Maria Sharapova on the baseline at Centre Court.

Shut up already

“If Favre wants to stop collecting Social Security and come back to the NFL, why shouldn’t he?” you whine. “He obviously can still play the
game at a high level.”

He can. But stop leading us on. Favre has cultivated this aw-shucks persona, acting like all he needs is a fishing pole and directions to the nearest swamp to be happy.

But an aw-shucks guy doesn’t create drama to raise his profile (which reminds me: Visit sidelinesatire.com for my past columns). That’s just lame.

Look at it this way: Imagine Megan Fox agrees to see a movie with you next month. Then the next day she says she’s not sure. And the next day. And the day after that. Then she goes on Joe Buck’s new HBO talk show to say she’s “strongly considering” going with you.

After a while, it doesn’t matter anymore how hot she is (maybe Megan Fox was a bad example). You’d rather go with Gus Frerotte and Tarvaris Jackson to see the new Sandra Bullock movie.

Game situation

Favre’s behavior would never fly on the field. Look at what happens to the quarterback who takes too long to make a decision.

In the best-case scenario, he gets drafted third overall out of the University of Oregon by the Lions, who then doggedly stick with him for
four seasons.

More often, he gets the bejeezus beaten out of him by the defense.

Hmm …

Maybe coming out of retirement isn’t such a bad idea after all.

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The smoke of the last bonfire has vanished in downtown Los Angeles. The last battered police car has been towed — along with the memory of Sunday’s mayhem after the Lakers beat the Magic for the NBA title.

Which irks me. Every city that has violence after a team wins a championship gets a pass — except Detroit. The next time the Lakers reach the Finals, don’t expect to hear about the fires, the looting, the 18
arrests, the eight cops who were injured or the cop car revelers almost flipped outside Staples Center.

And this was for a road game.

Yet, fan violence is mentioned every time a Detroit team plays for a title (the Red Wings don’t count; fans get to see hated players punched in the face and thus don’t feel the need to shatter storefront windows). We have to relive the same tired stories about violence here after the 1984 World Series and the 1990 NBA Finals, to name a couple.

I’m not saying what happened here in the past is right, but neither is what happened outside Jack Nicholson’s second home Sunday.

It’s unfair. It’s not right. It’s enough to make me get bombarded by gamma radiation, become progressively angrier, have my skin turn green, grow to three times my normal size, walk eight batters, then walk out of town with a backpack slung over my shoulder as sad piano music plays in
the background.

Or maybe that was the time I flipped between a Tigers game and an “Incredible Hulk” rerun.

Gag order

Speaking of NBA Finals idiocy, a Las Vegas man has been arrested for being the worst babysitter ever.

Jonathan Weaver, 20, really (allegedly) didn’t want to babysit his girlfriend’s kids.
So, according to the Las Vegas Sun, Weaver consulted a parenting book, bound and gagged the kids — ages 1 and 2 — in their car seats, then went to a bar to watch the Finals.

This is yet another sad example of how far our society has fallen. Why would anyone tie up a
child to watch the Magic play the Lakers?

If it was the Bad Boy-era Pistons versus the Lakers, maybe. Or the Larry Bird Celtics against the Magic Johnson Lakers — I might even loan you the rope on that one. But Kobe Bryant versus Dwight Howard? How embarrassing.

Folks, the lesson here is, have higher standards. And if Mr. Weaver hasn’t learned that when he gets out of prison about 137 years from now, there’s always TiVo.

In case you missed Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals, here’s the recap: ARRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!

Now that we’ve covered the game (sorry if I was a bit long-winded), here’s three jeers to NBC for banning indoor/outdoor viewings of the Stanley Cup Finals at Joe Louis and Mellon arenas.

According to Crain’s, packing the Joe for a viewing party during road games could have taken one whole ratings point away from the peacock.

I would call for a boycott of NBC, but their programming is already taking care of that.

Besides, “30 Rock” is already done for the season.

Hat’s off for audacity

I hereby nominate Alfred G. Rava for Jerk Store of The Year.

Rava sued the Oakland A’s 2004 over a 2004 Mother’s Day giveaway. Women could get free mammograms at the park, and the first 7,500 ladies through the gate received sun hats with the A’s logo on it.

But Rava, a lawyer with a history of head-scratching lawsuits, sued the club, saying the giveaway discriminated against men.

So now, according to ESPN’s Rick Reilly , those who prove they were at that game will get $50, two half-price A’s tickets and a $25 coupon for Macy’s.

Assuming you have even a little bit of sense, you might feel this never should
have gone to court. After all, Rava isn’t a mother, right?

To that I respond with an old story from comedian Paula Poundstone about getting a speeding ticket.

“Happy Mother’s Day,” Poundstone told the cop.

“I’m not a mother,” the policewoman replied.

Poundstone: “Oh, yeah you are.”

Meth race 2000

The mystery drug NASCAR driver Jeremy Mayfield tested positive for was meth, according to an article in The Worldwide Leader in Sports The Magazine.

Is anyone really surprised? I feel like nodding off during my downtown commute sometimes — and I get up close to noon.

Which goes to show you how boring NASCAR is without fiery crashes. Even the drivers need something to stay awake.

Union brothers in arms

A trade union in Spain (with chapters mainly on the plain) is suing a bakery after one of its employees had his arm severed in an accident with a kneading machine.

The union isn’t suing over the guy losing his arm, because everyone knows working in a bakery means you’ll lose a limb eventually. Nope, they’re suing because after the victim lost his arm, his co-workers threw it in the trash.

In a related story, the union still hasn’t decided whether to sue the Tigers if they release Dontrelle Willis.

Beware our neighbors to the north. They might be rooting for the Red Wings to fail.

In a very tough time for Detroit, the Red Wings have been a rare silver lining — at least before Thursday’s Game 4 embarrassment in Pittsburgh. But hey, the Wings will be back in the Zamboni driver’s
seat if they win Game 5 Saturday night. And I’m still picking them to win the Stanley Cup, because after hours of research and analysis of both teams, I’ve come to the conclusion I’m a complete homer.

Canadians have no such bias. But, according to Brock (Ontario) University professor Ernest Biktimirov, they should root for the Penguins to win.

According to a study by Biktimirov, by way of Toronto’s Globe and Mail, when an Eastern Conference team wins the Stanley Cup, the Canadian stock market goes up. When the Western Conference wins, it goes down. And wouldn’t you know it — the Red Wings play in the Western Conference, because
when you think Michigan, you obviously think the western United States.

The study only covers this decade, but it’s 85.7 percent accurate, so in U.S. percentage points it’s a whopping 95.2 percent on the money.

I knew there was a reason the Canadian Ambassador Bridge attendants were more snippy than usual. Good luck with that pending stock market crash.

Sheepish explanation

Former softball coach Kelly Jo Cookson is suing the Brewer (Maine) school district, saying they fired her because she’s a lesbian. If that’s true, it’s a shame. We here at Sideline Satire are big believers in
equal rights for everyone, and … what’s that? The school district says it fired her because she made her players walk through sheep feces as a punishment?

She made them do it three years in a row? Really?

Um, think I have to go with the school district on this one.

God save the fan

The English soccer team is a heavy favorite to win its World Cup qualifier Saturday against Kazakhstan, but the underdogs have already outshot the visitors.

An English soccer fan in town for the match was shot in a bar in nearby Kyrgyzstan — because he wouldn’t stop singing, according to BBC News. Thankfully (like I really care), the man was quickly treated and released from the local hospital/bowling alley/carwash.

Unfortunately, the perpetrators can only be charged with a Class A misdemeanor, because all other vowels are banned in Kazakhstan and Kyrgyzstan.

Young’s town

Possible-quarterback-bust-but-it’s-too-early-to-be-sure Vince Young said through his agent he doesn’t want the Tennessee Titans to trade him.

Whoops, my mistake: The statement was actually issued by the 31 other NFL teams.

Good riddance to the LeBron-Kobe puppet commercials.

If nothing else, Orlando saved us from that — and David Stern conspiracy theories.

The NBA Finals tip off Thursday, and the matchup everybody wanted to see — everybody being Nike — is a no-go. We won’t get to see King James versus Prince of Darkness Kobe. But hey, there are other storylines.

For instance, Dwight Howard told ESPN that God is on the Magic’s side (really). The L.A. Times reports on one Dr. Daniel Amen (really), who believes Lamar Odom’s erratic play is caused by erratic blood-sugar levels — caused by Odom’s incessant candy eating (really?).

See? The NBA Finals will still be exciting … argh, I can’t lie anymore: The NBA Finals are ruined, OK?

Nobody cares about the Magic. It’s like rooting for the Generals to beat the Globetrotters. Stan Van Gundy screams too much. Rashard Lewis’ goatee — really? Hedo Turkoglu? I can’t root for someone whose name sounds like something you buy at a Home Depot.

Thank (insert deity here) the Red Wings — the only Michigan business not in danger of a government takeover — made it to the Stanley Cup Finals. That means I can ignore the NBA Finals until next week.

As for LeBron, the silent Witness has slipped into the ether of the offseason. Enjoy your vacation, though it’s impossible to do more traveling than you already do driving to the hoop.

Maybe you should visit Switzerland. Reuters reported a car cruising down a highway there had all its wheels come off simultaneously.

No word on whether the car was a Cavalier.

New ankle, yah

In news Grant Hill wishes came a decade ago, the FDA has approved an artificial ankle.

It’s called the Scandinavian Total Ankle Replacement System. Because when you think artificial body parts, you think Scandinavia and not at all about IKEA and whether this means you’ll have to assemble your new ankle using only an Allen wrench.

Doctors believe science will one day be able to replace every faulty body part, also known as Tracy McGrady surgery.

Clearing things up

A woman in Hawaii has pleaded not guilty to beating a peacock to death with a baseball bat.

Detroiters will be relieved (or perversely disappointed) to learn, contrary to published reports I made up, it was not a Red Wings fan complaining about NBC’s broadcast schedule.

Drunk mess

Cincinnati Bengals cornerback Leon Hall avoided jail time on drunk-driving charges by taking a plea bargain.

Under the terms of his sentence, Hall must attend drug and alcohol classes. He also has to perform 64 hours of community service, 16 hours of which will be fulfilled by the Bengals’ 2009 schedule.

The Memorial Day-shortened week left me with a glut of bizarre, lame and head-scratching news just too good to pass up. So today I’m clearing out the Sideline Satire inbox, rapid-fire style. Cue the rim shot and cymbal …

News flash? Um …

News flash: Fatter NFL players are more prone to high blood pressure, according to a study published Wednesday in the Journal of the American Medical Association.

Um … aren’t all fatter people more prone to high blood pressure? Also, look for my groundbreaking eat less/exercise more weight-loss study in next month’s issue.

News flash: Researchers say listening to soccer on the radio makes drivers lose concentration and drive more erratically.

Um … didn’t you already know falling asleep behind the wheel leads to loss of concentration and erratic driving?

Quest for the cup

Major League Baseball is part of a group that gave $500,000 to a Cornell researcher looking for better ways to detect steroids in urine.

The researcher’s methods include testing the urine for elevated asterisk levels and tracking the urine’s home run production from season to season or whether the urine pleaded the Fifth before a congressional
committee.

Ticket tiff

Two brothers are suing each other over the rights to their late father’s Green Bay Packers season tickets.

The initial plan was to split the ticket profits up the middle, but after one brother accused the other of an illegal end-around, the case now is expected to go long.

That’s not the problem

The LPGA Tour reportedly is thinking about allowing players to Twitter during rounds.

Sample Twitter: “Made par on No. 15! Thanks to all five LPGA fans for your support.”

Going down swinging

Florida State senior receiver Richard Goodman has been charged with felony battery for allegedly hitting a woman in the face with a folding chair during a party.

Goodman was scared after prosecutors said they might give him the chair but was relieved to find out it only means he’ll be electrocuted.

Old slowpoke

Construction workers in Lima, Peru, recently uncovered the fossil of an ancient sloth, believed to be 5 million years old.

The Minnesota Vikings currently are trying to get the sloth to come out of retirement and become their quarterback.

Broadband speedway

NASCAR is creating an online racing series in which fans can compete against real drivers such as Rochester’s Brad Keselowski, A.J. Allmendinger and Dale Earnhardt Jr.

The game promises to be ultra realistic. Players can choose from actual cars and tracks, fire their cousin/crew chief or leave the racing team their late father started after their
stepmother refuses to hand over a majority interest.

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Ryan Leaf goes from bust to busted

Ryan Leaf, best known as the biggest quarterback bust in NFL history, is now just busted.

Authorities in Randall County, Texas, have indicted Leaf, 39, on drug and burglary charges. It seems that while quarterbacks coach at West Texas A&M, Leaf allegedly broke into an injured player’s apartment to steal
painkillers.

Authorities said Leaf was their No. 2 overall suspect from the beginning, because local cops believed over time
Peyton Manning would be a far better suspect.

Amazin’ mess

A woman recently got her arm stuck trying to retrieve her gold tooth from a toilet at the error-prone Mets’ new Citi Field, forcing an emergency call to a plumber. The New York Post did not identify the woman, but at
the very least we know she’s classy.

Stadium officials said the plumber eventually freed the woman from the toilet but is still working on retrieving the Mets’ fielding ability.

News translator

News: Vikings coach Brad Childress says as far as he knows, quarterback Brett Favre remains retired.

Translation: Brett Favre is totally coming out of retirement to play for the Vikings, yo! Stay tuned.

News: A Sherpa extended his record by climbing Mount Everest for the 19th time. Apa Sherpa did it to promote the environment, carrying a banner that read “Stop Climate Change.”

Translation: Climbing Mount Everest used to be an awe-inspiring feat. Now it’s just a marketing tool. Sigh.

News: Yahoo! Sports asked Sprint Cup champ Jimmie Johnson about IRL star Danica Patrick possibly coming to NASCAR. Johnson’s response: “Come on over, although not until you’re ready. And trust me, you’re not ready.”

Translation: Uh, never mind.

No. 2 rusher

The 1970 Impala of Colts running back Najeh Davenport, best known for mistaking a laundry basket for a bathroom (just Google it), was stolen in Carrick, Pa., Tuesday. The thief totaled the car, but Davenport gave chase after the accident and apprehended him.

Funny — you’d think Davenport would be too pooped to chase anyone.

Misguided

Notre Dame has left coach Charlie Weis ‘ losing seasons out of its football media guide, the Fort Wayne Journal Gazette reported.

In a related story, the Lions media guide will be 75 percent smaller next season.

Ace in the hole

Shooting your age in golf is impressive, but not as impressive if you’re 104 years old.

The Arizona Republic reports centenarian Edwin Dibos took a few swings off the tee at his local course — assisted by his nurse.

Dibos’ high point in golf came 16 years ago, when he got a hole-in-one.

I have a weird feeling he’ll have another hole-in-one very soon. And finish 6 under.

Sideline Satire 2009 052009 –

This bracelet works like a charm

Brett Gardner hit the first inside-the-park home run by a Yankees player in almost a decade — and it was all in the wrist.

Gardner visited a children’s hospital Friday, where he got an unexpected hitting tip.

“One girl gave me a bracelet and I asked her what it was for,” he told the New York Daily News. “She said it was for me and she told me if I kept it, I’d hit a home run.”

The bracelet delivered in the seventh inning later that night against the Twins. Gardner’s line drive skipped
past outfielder Denard Span, and the braceleted Bronx Bomber sprinted to the first inside-the-park homer in the new Yankee Stadium.

“I’m glad I could do that for her,” Gardner said. “I hope she was watching.”

Span, meanwhile, tossed his stop-a-line-drive bracelet and has canceled all future children’s hospital visits.

Walking the beat

To prepare for the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver, local prostitutes are being offered media training. No, I am not making this up.

According to The Canadian Press, streetwalkers will be instructed in local laws on public photography and consenting to interviews.

This is like finding out Paula Abdul is addicted to painkillers, then sending her to a class on how to act sober instead of to rehab. Hey, here’s an idea, Vancouver: Why not instruct the prostitutes to stop being prostitutes?

Also, can I cover the next Winter Olympics? (Editor’s note: No.)

Scheduling rumble

The Denver Nuggets are supposed to host the L.A. Lakers in Game 4 at the Pepsi Center on Monday. Except the Pepsi Center is booked that night — for a taping of WWE’s “Monday Night Raw.” And the WWE refuses to budge.

The Nuggets are confident they will prevail.

To keep the WWE away, they’ve hired doping official Hans Cooman — who made 20 bodybuilders run away from a competition in Belgium — as a security guard.

Speaking of dopes …

In a move that makes so much sense I can’t believe Major League Baseball agreed to it, World Series games will start earlier this year.

A half-hour earlier.

Fox, which broadcasts the World Series, claimed it made the move because games have been running longer. Also, athletes coming off steroids tend to experience lethargy, especially later in the day.

I’m just saying.

Reverse psychology

Critics say Jon Gruden, the former overrated coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, is a hypocrite for accepting the “Monday Night Football” broadcasting gig from ESPN. Gruden has bashed the network numerous times, yet they still offered him a job. Shame on you, Gruden.

Also, I’d like to take a moment here to point out how much I hate the writing in Playboy magazine. And I really hate parties at the Playboy Mansion and dating Miss January. Disgusting.

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