Sideline Satire was fortunate enough to be invited to Tiger Woods’ totally legit and not at all farcical press conference on Friday in Ponte Vedra Beach, Fla. The following is the complete transcript of the press conference, including portions which didn’t make it to the air…
Sideline Satire illustration
TIGER WOODS: Good morning, and thank you for joining me. Many of you in this room are my friends. Many of you in this room know me. Well, at least you THOUGHT you knew me (polite laughter, applause). Many of you have cheered for me or you’ve worked with me or you’ve supported me.
Now every one of you has good reason to be critical of me, especially if you’re a cocktail waitress in the Orlando or Las Vegas area. I want to say to each of you, simply and directly: I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in.
I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish and so foolish, especially all the players at the Match Play tournament whose press coverage I am currently stealing. People want to know how I could have done these things to my wife Elin and to my children. And while I have always tried to be a privates — sorry, private — person, there are some things I want to say.
Elin and I have started the process of discussing the damage caused by my behavior and the golf club that Elin slammed into my face. As Elin pointed out to me while holding a knife to my throat, my real apology to her will not come in the form of words; it will come from not banging cocktail waitresses over time. We have a lot to discuss; however, what we say to each other will remain between the two of us and eventually, TMZ.
I am also aware of the pain my behavior has caused to those of you in this room. I have let you down, and I have let down my fans, with the exception of my polygamist fan base in Utah. For many of you, especially my friends who feasted on my sloppy seconds, my behavior has been a personal disappointment. To those of you who work for me, I have let you down personally and professionally. My behavior has caused considerable worry to my business partners, especially Accenture, who specifically asked me to not mention them during this conference. Accenture. Accenture. Don’t worry guys, nobody really knows who you are or what you do. You’re like the “Burn Notice” of corporate America.
To everyone involved in my foundation, including my staff, board of directors, sponsors, and most importantly, the young students we reach, our work is more important than ever. Thirteen years ago, my dad and I envisioned helping young people achieve their dreams of sleeping with cocktail waitresses and porn stars through education. This work remains unchanged and will continue to grow, no pun intended. From the Arrogance Learning Center students in Southern California to the Earl Woods Infidelity scholars in Washington, D.C., millions of kids have changed their lives, and I am dedicated to making sure that continues.
But still, I know I have bitterly disappointed all of you. I have made you question who I am and how I could have done the things I did. I am embarrassed that I have put you in this position.
For getting caught, I am so sorry.
I have a lot to atone for, but there is one issue I really want to discuss. Some people have speculated that Elin somehow hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving night. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that, especially when it turned out to be right on the money. Elin never hit me that night or any other night, and if you say a lie long enough, it becomes the truth. There has never been an episode of domestic violence in our marriage, ever, that wasn’t my fault. Elin has shown enormous grace, poise, a textbook golf swing and surprising physical strength throughout this ordeal. Elin deserves praise, not blame.
The issue involved here was my repeated irresponsible behavior. I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated. I did a terrible job of covering my tracks. Getting caught is not acceptable, and I am the only person to blame.
I stopped living by the core values that I was taught to believe in — act like a complete tool but intimidate the cowardly golf media into not reporting this fact. I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn’t apply, because golf is not at all about following rules. I never thought about who I was hurting, except for that one night with Jamie Jungers when I played the back nine. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran straight through the boundaries that more than 50 percent of married couples don’t live by. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to, and man, was I right. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled. Thanks to money and fame, I didn’t have to go far to find them. Thanks to the media, all that has been taken away.
I was wrong. I was foolish. I don’t get to play by different rules. These are all statements my publicist told me to say and which I hope one day I might actually believe. The same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me (pause to suppress laughter). I brought this shame on myself. I hurt my wife, my kids, my mother, my Sharona, my wife’s family, my friends, my foundation, and kids all around the world who admired me.
I’ve had a lot of time to think about what I’ve done, because there’s not much to do when you cannot pick up chicks. My failures have made me pretend to look at myself in a way I never wanted to before. It’s now up to me to make amends, and that starts by never again getting caught for the “mistakes” I’ve made. It’s up to me to start acting out a life of integrity.
I once heard, and I believe it’s true, it’s not what you achieve in life that matters; it’s what you overcome. Achievements on the golf course the most important part. If this scandal came to light during the season, I could have played my way out of it, like Kobe did with the whole rape thing. Character and decency are what really count, character being golf trophies and decency being lots and lots of sponsor money. I’m looking at you, Accenture.
Parents used to point to me as a role model for their kids. Now only the fathers do, along with a stern warning to “not tell your mother.” I owe all those families a special apology. I want to say to them that I am truly sorry.
It’s hard to admit that I need help, but I do. For 45 days from the end of December to early February, I was in inpatient therapy receiving guidance for the issues I’m facing, the specifics of which nobody seems to know. Sex addiction? Ambien? Hey, your guess is as good as mine. I have a long way to go. But I’ve pretended to take the first steps in the right direction.
As I proceed, I understand people have questions. I understand the press wants to ask me for the details and the times I was unfaithful. I understand people want to know whether Elin and I will remain together. Please know that as far as I’m concerned, every one of these questions and answers is a matter between Elin and me and TMZ. These are issues between a husband and a wife and a whole lot of women a wife will not find out about ever again.
Some people, like me, have made up things that never happened. They said I used performance-enhancing drugs, which nobody really said but which I am mentioning now to distract from the real issue. This is completely and utterly false. Some have written things about my family. Despite the damage I have done, I still believe it is right to shield my family from the public spotlight. They did not do these things; I did.
I have always tried to maintain a private space for my wife and children and my mistresses. They have been kept separate from my sponsors, my commercial endorsements. When my children were born, we only released photographs so that the paparazzi could not chase them, because small infants are unable to run. However, my behavior doesn’t make it right for the media to follow my two and a half year old daughter to school and report the school’s location. They staked out my wife and they pursued my mom. Whatever my wrongdoings, for the sake of my family, please leave my wife and kids alone. Or they will take it out on me.
I recognize I have to say I brought this on myself, and I know above all I am the one who needs to change, which, again, my publicist told me to say. I owe it to my family to become a better person. I owe it to those closest to me to become a better man. That’s where my focus will be, along with winning tournaments and reverting to my normal behavior.
I have a lot of covering up to do, and I intend to dedicate myself to doing it. Part of following this path for me is Buddhism, which my mother taught me at a young age. People probably don’t realize it, but I was raised a Buddhist, and I actively practiced my faith from childhood until I drifted away from it because cocktail waitresses don’t really care about dharma and noble truths. Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security, although Buddha seemed to crave food quite a bit, am I right? It teaches me to stop following every impulse and to learn restraint. Obviously I lost track of what I was taught. In the future, I will have my wingman do this.
As I move forward, I will continue to receive help because I’ve learned that’s how you get people to forgive you. Starting tomorrow, I will leave for more treatment and more therapy for … again, I have no idea. I would like to thank my friends at Accenture and the players in the field this week for understanding why I’m making these remarks today. It’s to screw you and to remind everyone that the PGA without Tiger Woods is a boring as wearing a condom while having sex with a cocktail waitress.
In therapy I’ve learned the importance of telling the public I’m looking at my spiritual life and keeping in balance with my professional life. I need to regain my balance and be centered so I can save the things that are most important to me, my marriage, my children and my numerous interludes of anonymous, unprotected sex with borderline and full-blown skank factories.
That also means relying on others for help. I’ve learned to seek support from my peers in therapy, some of whom are totally doable. I hope someday to return that support to others who are seeking help, wink, wink. I do plan to return to golf one day, I just don’t know when that day will be.
I don’t rule out that it will be this year. It all depends on when people stop hating me and start sympathizing with me. When I do return, I need to make my behavior more respectful of the game, which only exists for my benefit. In recent weeks I have received many thousands of emails, letters and phone calls from people expressing good wishes. To everyone who has reached out to me and my family, especially Ernie Els and Jesper Parnevik, thank you. Your encouragement means the world to Elin and me.
I want to thank the PGA TOUR, Commissioner Finchem, and the players for their patience and understanding while I work on my privates — sorry, I did it again — life. I look forward to seeing my fellow players on the course, where I will exact a terrible revenge.
Finally, there are many people in this room, and there are many people at home who believed in me. Today I want to ask for your help. I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in me again, to be as gullible now as you were then.
Thank you. Now I am going to hug this tiny Asian woman in the front row. She is my mother.
