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Well, the first weekend of the (insert year) NCAA tournament is over, and it might have been the craziest opening weekend since (insert different year), when that scrappy underdog team and that other small school nobody remembers made it to the Sweet Sixteen and/or Elite Eight.
I know everyone is eager for an excuse to talk about the picks in their office pool, so let’s take a look at each of the four tournament regions:
Regional Your Favorite Team Is In
Top performer: Senior leader on your favorite team who scored one point above his average, making him the early frontrunner for tournament MVP. This is why he came back for his senior year. That and the fact he couldn’t get drafted if he got in a time machine and turned the dial to “Vietnam War.”
Biggest dud: Longtime rival of your favorite team, which lost to the No. 1 seed after losing their starting point guard, center and small forward to injury. What a bunch of chumps! (Insert joke denigrating rival team’s coach and/or questioning players’ sexuality here).
Biggest surprise: Small-conference school from the Southwest, led by coach who was fired from big-time East Coast school after getting a DUI. Yes, this lush of a coach is good at what he does, but nobody expected him to get his squad to the Big Dance this soon. What a great story of redemption, until he chokes a player during practice next fall.
Notable: Since the tournament expanded to 64 teams in either the mid-80s or early 90s (you’re pretty sure it’s the 80s), a No. 1 seed has never lost to a No. 16 seed. Also, if a No. 1 seed is leading by less than 15 points with eight minutes to go in the first half, an announcer has never failed to mention a No. 1 seed has never lost to a No. 16 seed and he doesn’t want to get ahead of himself, folks, but obscure No. 16 seed here might make history here today. This storyline is never mentioned again.
illustration by sidelinesatire.com
Regional You Don’t Care About
Top performer: Future huge star in the NBA. You’ll wonder why he never did anything in college. He did, but his school was on the West Coast, which means his games ended way after your bedtime or conflicted with your pornography-watching schedule.
Biggest dud: Really high seed that barely beat much lower seed. Well, yes, a win is a win, but come on. They don’t want it bad enough, even though they were in foul trouble most of the game and will go on to reach the Final Four.
Biggest surprise: Mid-major from Northwest pegged as a Cinderella every year, even though this is their seventh straight tournament appearance. What most surprised people watching the tournament is that this school even had a basketball team. The self-appointed hoops expert at your office will speculate they played in Division II up until a few years ago, which is why he doesn’t know anything about them. They’ve actually been Division I since 1966, and an NBA Hall of Famer even played his college ball there – perhaps Oscar Robertson or that aged legendary center who died unexpectedly last year. I feel so bad for his family.
Notable: The conference maligned by Dick Vitale all season ended up sending the most teams to the Sweet 16. The same thing happened last season, and the same thing will happen next season. Everyone will forget about this.
illustration by sidelinesatire.com
Totally The Easiest Regional
Top performer: Blue-chip freshman who is here only because the NBA won’t take players straight out of high school. He was at odds with his coach early in the season, even benched for a while, but this weekend he grew up before our very eyes. After the game, the player got choked up as he admitted he finally understood why the coach was so hard on him. He will say the coach is like the father he never had. The player’s absentee father will see the interview on ESPN and try to reconnect with his son by friending him on Facebook. The player will click “Ignore.”
Biggest dud: No. 1 overall team, which cruised to victory against the 16 seed but came out flat in their second game and never recovered. What a great story for the No. 9 seed that scored the upset, especially for the player none of the bigger schools wanted and/or the foreign kid from Europe/Australia who dreamed of this since he was a kid.
Surprise team: The No. 5 seed. Can you believe they lost to the No. 12 seed in the first round? Nobody in your office can believe it, because no one knows it happens almost every year.
Notable: The coach whom announcers praise as “respecting the game” and “coaching the right way” is also the coach who steps on the court during play and acts like the biggest baby when his players are charged with fouls.
illustration by sidelinesatire.com
Totally The Hardest Regional
Top performer: Player who didn’t do much better than anyone else, but the announcers figured a way to insert him into catchphrases that make no sense. (Example: “Michael Hendrix drains a blistering solo from the top of the key! Oh, mercy — the Voodoo Child strikes again!”
Biggest dud: Slacker team everyone expected to turn it up come tournament time. You knew you shouldn’t have picked them to reach the Sweet 16!
Biggest surprise: Slacker team that turned it up come tournament time. You knew you should have picked them to reach the Sweet 16!
Notable: Did you know it’s physically impossible for sports announcers to avoid saying a player has “really stepped up” when that player is having a good game? Not saying it can actually shorten their lifespan. Los Angeles Dodgers announcer Vin Scully was injured in a fall last week after he failed to use it during a spring-training game.
Next week: A look at the Elite Eight, or, why the guy/girl leading your office NCAA pool is a clueless idiot who is only on top by dumb luck.